Sh*t My Dad Says and Stuff My Mom Does

One night while I was watching Chelsea Lately she had this young man, Justin Halpern, on her show talking about his crazy dad and this new book he had written, Sh*t My Dad Says. At first I thought there was no way what he was saying was true, but a few stories later and I knew instantly that I needed to purchase this book about his hilarious childhood with his father. First let me say, it's excellent. If you want something to read that is light, quick, hilarious and makes an awesome coffee table book (minus the curse word of course), buy this. Everyone including my bonus mom became addicted to the short, funny stories inside it's covers.

After reading that book I became inspired and temporarily thought about creating my own Facebook page about random things my mom calls me at work to tell me. You see, she's retired and has enormous amounts of time to discuss odd things with me while I am at work. After many life coaching sessions with her on this she has calmed down a bit in her calling efforts, but I still get the random call every now and then that makes me wonder where I went wrong with her. (I do love my mom very much, just so you know.) I'm still debating the idea of a page just for her but I really need more logged files of off the wall calls, so in the meantime here is some randomness from my mom.


A Tuesday at the office, the busiest day of my week...
Me: Hi mom.
Mom: Hi sweetie! I know you're busy but I have an important question for you.
Me: Yes and yes?
Mom: Do you want a 1985 Guinness Book of World Records?
Me: That's important?
Mom: Well yes, I have to ask you now before I leave and then forget to ask you.
Me: Ooooookay. I'll pass. I was only 2 then so I think I'm good. Thanks anyway.


A weekday, old job, when I worked between two different offices with two different numbers...
Mom: Hi! Where are you today?
Me: Where did you call me at?
Mom: Work.
Me: Excellent! That narrows it down. Now, what number did you call me at?
Mom: The EV office.
Me: Yes, good job! Now, where do you think I am?
Mom: Well I never know!
Me: You have to have some idea by your call log of where you are calling. Right?
Mom: You know I dont know how to use my cell phone.
Me: You're calling me from your cell phone.
Mom: *Silence*

A Monday, the second busiest day of my week...
Mom: Hi Melly, I know you're busy but gram and I just had lunch.
Me: Awesome.
Mom: It was! That's why I'm calling you. The sandwich we had was amazing!
Me: OK.
Mom: It's near your office, so next time we're in town I'm going to get you one, it's this...
Me: Thanks mom, but I'm kinda busy...
Mom: ...grilled cheese, with bacon and I think you'll really like it. I did and...
Me: Mom, thanks, really. I'm glad you're thinking of me, but I have a conference call and if you and gramma are not in danger, then I really need to go.
Mom: ...I don't know what they put on it, but I love it. Wait, are you eating bread? I know you're all healthy and stuff but...
Me: MOM, yo. I have to go. Conference call, remember?
Mom: Oh, OK. Well how about this... I'll call you about it later and we can figure it out then?!
Me: I think I'm busy.
Mom: Tomorrow?
Me: Tell you what, just buy me one next time and surprise me? I would looooove that. Bye mom...

Another random day at the office...
Mom: Hey, you have the internet right?
Me: Yes?
Mom: Good. I need you to enter me in a Home and Garden competition to win a new house.
Me: Now? Like, right now?
Mom: Yeah, I forgot to tell you the other day and it ends today!! *urgent tone to her voice*
Me: Mom, I'm at work. Can I do this when I get home?
Mom: It might be too late!
Me: *Big sigh*  OK. What's the site?... Mom, it's over. It ended yesterday.
Mom: Oh. Well, wait. I have a Home Depot receipt with a web thing on it where you can win $5000! Oh, and I have this other one...let me find it...hold on...