The Reflection of Shadows: I Have Never Suffered

The Reflection of Shadows

A collection of moments

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I Have Never Suffered

I thought my pain was endless-

That I was empty, hollow,

Destined to suffer.

Until last night,

Until I realized

I’ve never

Never

Never suffered like you.

My shadow filled days will never compare to your pitch-black nights

And days

And weeks

And months

That never ended,

That lasted for years,

That were still, quiet, frozen-

That you couldn’t escape.

How you only had one thing to look forward to

Every. Single. Day.

One moment.

And when it was time to say goodbye

The Nothing returned.

The emptiness of a heart still beating,

A brain still thinking,

But a body unmoving.

Trapped in your own existence,

Never to hold your daughter again,

Never to kiss your wife.

Alone in a way no one could feel but you.

I will never truly understand.

I thought my pain was endless-

That I was empty, hollow,

Destined to suffer.

Until last night,

Until I realized

I’ve never

Never

Never suffered like you.

My empty heart will never compare to your broken, shattered soul.

To a dream that ended before it began.

To a life unimagined.

To a love so rare and true that no one

No one

Will ever fill that void,

Or ever make you whole.

I never understood how alone you really were.

And still are.

And may always be.

How you sacrificed it all without question,

Without regret,

And how somehow you feel guilty for something you couldn’t control.

Something you didn’t ask for,

Something you bravely never walked away from.

And freely sacrificed everything

Everything

That a normal life would resemble.

For us.

For him.

And now, for her.

I will never truly understand.

I thought my pain was endless-

That I was empty, hollow,

Destined to suffer.

Until last night,

Until I realized

I’ve never

Never

Never suffered like you.

My emotional numbness will never compare to your heart breaking aloneness.

To losing yourself to age.

And time.

And feeling like a burden to others.

When you can no longer see well,

Or hear well,

And can barely get around your own house.

And how you stay- I know this, you stay

For me.

Because I am selfish and can’t let you go.

I will never truly understand.

  

I thought my pain was endless-

That I was empty, hollow,

Destined to suffer.

Until last night,

Until I realized

I’ve never

Never

Never suffered like you.

I will never know the stillness of a man immobilized by his own body,

Unable to decide for himself.

Unable to take care of his family.

Unable to do anything-

Anything

But blink.

I will never know the emptiness of a woman who lost everything she had ever wanted.

Who sacrificed it all.

And who waited patiently

For years,

Until hope ran out and she was truly alone

Because there was only one person for her.

And I know that nothing,

Not even time,

Will heal her heart.

I will never know the aloneness of a woman who’s lived for nearly a century.

Who’s seen her best friend and lifelong companion pass on,

Who has aged so gracefully

And been so independent

Until now,

When time has started to set in

And slowed her,

Changed her,

Made her begin to fade away.

I will never truly understand these things. I have felt but a fraction of what they have lived. I have seen nothing.

And they may never truly know how exceptional they really are. 

How amazing.

And strong.

And brave beyond measure.

And how wonderful they've been.

How so few would do what they have done.

How most would have given up.

How practically no one would have been so selfless,

So kind,

So loving.

To stay,

To try,

To do it all

For me.