The Reflection of Shadows: I Have Never Suffered

The Reflection of Shadows

A collection of moments

Society6

I Have Never Suffered

I thought my pain was endless-

That I was empty, hollow,

Destined to suffer.

Until last night,

Until I realized

I’ve never

Never

Never suffered like you.

My shadow filled days will never compare to your pitch-black nights

And days

And weeks

And months

That never ended,

That lasted for years,

That were still, quiet, frozen-

That you couldn’t escape.

How you only had one thing to look forward to

Every. Single. Day.

One moment.

And when it was time to say goodbye

The Nothing returned.

The emptiness of a heart still beating,

A brain still thinking,

But a body unmoving.

Trapped in your own existence,

Never to hold your daughter again,

Never to kiss your wife.

Alone in a way no one could feel but you.

I will never truly understand.

I thought my pain was endless-

That I was empty, hollow,

Destined to suffer.

Until last night,

Until I realized

I’ve never

Never

Never suffered like you.

My empty heart will never compare to your broken, shattered soul.

To a dream that ended before it began.

To a life unimagined.

To a love so rare and true that no one

No one

Will ever fill that void,

Or ever make you whole.

I never understood how alone you really were.

And still are.

And may always be.

How you sacrificed it all without question,

Without regret,

And how somehow you feel guilty for something you couldn’t control.

Something you didn’t ask for,

Something you bravely never walked away from.

And freely sacrificed everything

Everything

That a normal life would resemble.

For us.

For him.

And now, for her.

I will never truly understand.

I thought my pain was endless-

That I was empty, hollow,

Destined to suffer.

Until last night,

Until I realized

I’ve never

Never

Never suffered like you.

My emotional numbness will never compare to your heart breaking aloneness.

To losing yourself to age.

And time.

And feeling like a burden to others.

When you can no longer see well,

Or hear well,

And can barely get around your own house.

And how you stay- I know this, you stay

For me.

Because I am selfish and can’t let you go.

I will never truly understand.

  

I thought my pain was endless-

That I was empty, hollow,

Destined to suffer.

Until last night,

Until I realized

I’ve never

Never

Never suffered like you.

I will never know the stillness of a man immobilized by his own body,

Unable to decide for himself.

Unable to take care of his family.

Unable to do anything-

Anything

But blink.

I will never know the emptiness of a woman who lost everything she had ever wanted.

Who sacrificed it all.

And who waited patiently

For years,

Until hope ran out and she was truly alone

Because there was only one person for her.

And I know that nothing,

Not even time,

Will heal her heart.

I will never know the aloneness of a woman who’s lived for nearly a century.

Who’s seen her best friend and lifelong companion pass on,

Who has aged so gracefully

And been so independent

Until now,

When time has started to set in

And slowed her,

Changed her,

Made her begin to fade away.

I will never truly understand these things. I have felt but a fraction of what they have lived. I have seen nothing.

And they may never truly know how exceptional they really are. 

How amazing.

And strong.

And brave beyond measure.

And how wonderful they've been.

How so few would do what they have done.

How most would have given up.

How practically no one would have been so selfless,

So kind,

So loving.

To stay,

To try,

To do it all

For me.

Monda Mantra: Life

A mantra is a sound, syllable, word, or group of words that is considered capable of "creating transformation".

Every Monday I will post a new thought, idea, or focus for the week. When you need a breather from life, when you need a little inspiration, or when you're about to jump over the conference table and strangle your co-worker, remember the mantra.

Monday Mantra: That's life

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Cat Coquillette

Human beings fascinate me. The things we do, why we do them, why we don't, why we're crazy, why we're sane, why we lie or cheat or murder or love- this stuff never bores me. It annoys me, it infuriates me, it uplifts me. It makes me question a lot of things. It gives me hope and simultaneously crushes it, but it never get boring.

Lately, there have been so many Weird Human Encounters that I have to walk around telling myself, "This is normal, don't freak out, this is just life." Let's take, for instance, my upcoming wedding. It is shocking how invested people get in a wedding that isn't theirs, and I don't mean in a good, loving way. I mean in a Strangers Inviting Themselves To Your Wedding & Not Kidding About It way. On one hand, it's very flattering that they're fond of us and want to be a part of our special day, but on the other hand WHOA! I assumed all adult, grown-up people knew better than to do things like this, but it turns out I was wrong. Silly me!

Or let's take for instance when people steal or "borrow" or copy your ideas. Now, it's a big world out there and a lot of things are going to be similar, they just are. And yes, it can be flattering when this happens. However, when it is exactly (or pretty darn close to exactly) what you are doing/creating/whatever-ing then it's not so much flattering and far more irritating. Even when it's with their best intentions. Not to mention how limiting it is to them. Instead of uncovering their own creative side and figuring out their own way, they've chosen to imitate rather than grow.

I've also been hearing a lot of the "bitch" excuses lately. You know, when someone says something completely rude or mean and then they follow it up with a "I'm such a bitch, hahahaha" lame-o explanation for why they're the way they are, like that's an acceptable reason. IT IS NOT. Don't get me wrong, I know people that use this in jest and they're some of the biggest hearted folks on the planet, but I know other people who use this as a bandaid attempt to mask who they really are, which is someone who is either deeply hurting and doesn't know how to handle life or, frankly, someone who is a terrible person. Neither one of these count as excuses, by the way. You have a responsibility to be a decent human being to not just yourself, but anyone you encounter. It is your job to manage yourself, your thoughts, your words. No one - seriously - no one is buying your "bitch" act. They're on to you. Grow up.

Whew, went off on a little tangent there. My bad.

See? Life is a lot of things, but boring is not one of them.

C'est la vie!

The Reflection of Shadows: How You Show Me

The Reflection of Shadows

A collection of moments

Society6

How You Show Me

If you showed me happiness,

If you showed me joy,

These are the tools that

I would employ.

If you shook my confidence,

Took my self respect,

These are the things that

Would stay in my head.

If you show me bigotry,

You show me hate,

This is what

I will duplicate.

It’s the way that you teach me,

The way that you show,

That builds the foundation

For the seeds that I’ll sow.

It’s the way that you speak to me,

The love that you grow

That leads me to better things

Or drags me below.

Tom Kha Gai Thai Soup (and other yummy GF things)

Every year we have an annual Christmas Eve Soup night at our house. Each little group of family members brings a homemade soup and we spend the evening eating, playing ping-pong, and spending quality time with each other. It's one of my favorite days and I look forward to it each year. This wasn't always my holiday tradition, though, it belonged to The Fiance and his family, so when I joined the clan I felt some serious (self inflicted) pressure to come up with an awesome soup.

His family loves Thai food, so I thought I'd try and conquer the oh-so delicious Tom Kha Gai soup. However, this soup calls for some very special ingredients that are difficult to come by, so I ended up creating my own version without those items, all while crossing my fingers that it would still taste somewhat similar. I was worried (as one should be on such important occasions, clearly) but his dad LOVED it and, as everyone else tried it, it became a new favorite of the family.

Now, you guys have to understand, I'm giving you my ultimate-super-secret Thai soup recipe. This is a big deal, so you can't go posting it all over the Internet like...um...like I'm doing. Because it's top secret, like I said...and, um...you know, a secret.

Tom Kha Gai Thai Soup

Step 1 - Making the Broth

- 2 cans coconut milk

- 2 cups chicken broth

- 4 cups veggie broth

- 1/2 tsp sea salt

- 2 tsp brown sugar

- 4-6 stalks lemongrass

- 6 red shallots, cut into large pieces (this is important for later)

- 2 tsp coriander

- 1 tsp chili pepper (This will make it pretty darn spicy. Only use 1/2 to 3/4 tsp if you want it less spicy. Remember, you can always add more later)

- 3 tsp lime juice

- 1 tsp garlic seasoning

- 1 tsp ginger

- 1 tsp turmeric

Bring to low boil. The simmer for 15 mins. 

Step 2 - Strain the Broth

The easiest way to do this is to actually just spoon out all the lemongrass and shallot chunks as opposed to trying to pour the whole thing into another bowl, in which case you'll really just end up making a mess. Trust me on this.

Step 3 - Add the Good Stuff

 - 1pd chicken, or more if you're feeling wild and crazy

NOTE: For this, I totally cheat and buy a rotisserie chicken from Whole Foods. I prefer the Salt & Pepper seasoning one they do. You can, of course, make your own chicken at home. I just prefer the lazier easier way to do it. With the rotisserie chicken, I take the skin off and cut up as much as I feel like and drop it in. Like I said, lazy easy.

- 1 cup chopped white mushrooms

- 3 baby carrots, peeled and diced

- a handful of chopped cilantro

At this point I like to taste it. You're going for a sweet, somewhat spicy flavor that's good- really good. I always end up letting it sit for a little bit and then adding an additional 6 tsp of lime juice and 1/2 tsp brown sugar. This gets the soup exactly where I want it to be. 

This should make you a double batch, so if you want a smaller portion just cut everything in half. 

Mom's Mini Cherry Pies

I wrote about my moms cherry pie recipe here (scroll down past the top of the post) but this year I wanted to make it look a little different. So instead of making one big pie, I took cupcake tins and made a bunch of mini pies. I used all the same ingredients and the same amounts, I just dished it up differently. Personally, I think it was adorable. 

Pumpkin Bread

I used the Martha Stewart recipe for this, but modified it slightly. For my gluten free flour I used Cup 4 Cup and instead of white sugar I used brown sugar. Some of the reviews before had mentioned problems with it being doughy, but I didn't run into that. In fact, it turned out pretty darn perfect. It was incredibly moist and even the non-gluten free people really liked it (which is how you know it's really good).

The Reflection of Shadows: The Weight

The Reflection of Shadows

A collection of moments

Society6

The Weight

Small and metal, round and heavy

Weighing down my hopes and dreams,

Causing pain with every gesture,

Swelling at the joints and seams.

I want to hide it, burn it, melt it-

Keep it out of public sight.

This bright and shiny glistening object

Given out of pure delight.

Much like handcuffs, locked and tightened

It keeps me tied to this one place,

With the thoughts that keep invading

I fall further in disgrace.

Wanting freedom with my comfort,

Trying to bend it in its place,

Nothing’s meant to be this tangled,
Nothing's meant to have to change.

(Note: This is an old, old poem. It's nice to look back and see how different life has become. How everything is the complete opposite of before.)

Monday Mantra: Memory Management

A mantra is a sound, syllable, word, or group of words that is considered capable of "creating transformation".

Every Monday I will post a new thought, idea, or focus for the week. When you need a breather from life, when you need a little inspiration, or when you're about to jump over the conference table and strangle your co-worker, remember the mantra.

Monday Mantra: Everything takes time

Recently, I was browsing Pinterest when I came across a picture of an antique coin dish, the exact coin dish that used to be my grandfathers. My memory instantly went to their house, their bedroom with their dresser, where the coin dish would sit, filled at the end of each day with the change out of my grandfathers pocket along with a pocketknife he always carried. The dish, emptied every morning when he got dressed, used to seem inconsequential. In fact, until that very moment when I saw it on Pinterest, I hadn't thought of it at all. But something stirred inside of me at its image. Some great sadness mixed with a fear. To properly explain this I have to work backwards.

-3. The second thought I had was this: Where is that dish? Did I discard it in my rushed sorrow, when the only way I was able to survive life after my gramma died was to spend countless hours cleaning her house and sorting through boxes and organizing organizing organizing? That didn't sound like something I would do, but much of my memory of that time is a blur. Where was the dish?!

-2. The first thought, however, was actually a memory. The wrong memory. My brain took me back to my grandparents house as it used to be, years and years ago. It took me to the house as it always had looked, with the same furniture and same carpet and same walls. And my mind, in those brief seconds, searched through that house, through my grandmothers dresser drawers and the bookshelf that held knick-knacks and my grandfathers nightstand. My mind went searching through a house that no longer exists in that form.

-1. My mom and I now own that house. Owning it was something that had always been of great importance to me. My grandparents knew this, but not everyone in the family understood. A cousin of mine once questioned why. "It's just a house." Not to me, it wasn't. Nothing that involved my grandparents was "just something" to me. The house was old, older than me, and it needed new everything. So new everything we've given it. New floors, new walls, new furniture, new fixtures, new new new. Aside from the structure of the house, it doesn't look the same at all. While I've come to accept this - the much needed changes - what disturbed me was that my memory still hasn't caught on to that yet. So much time was spent there, so much of my youth, that anytime I look back on the house, even if I'm trying to remember where I left something from my most recent visit, the first way I think of it is the way it used to be, years and years ago. I mentally search through drawers that no longer exist, through cupboards that have changed contents, through images of the past. Then my brain catches up and I remember it as it now is.

0. I can't explain this- the time lag, the delay in my mind. My only assumption is that when you've lived life a certain way in a certain place with certain surroundings for so very long, your brain has to catch up. It has to see the new life, the new place over and over and over again until it stops remembering the past. Memory Management, is what I'm calling it. The work your brain has to do to catch up to the present. I wonder how much of life is spent like this. How many habits, actions, and thoughts we have that are stuck in the past because the new habits and actions and thoughts have yet to break through and take hold. To take charge of "what was" for "what now is." I think this might explain a lot about life, actually.

1. I used to recite this poem over and over in my head after my gramma died. It would simultaneously reduce me to tears and comfort me. It still does.

I am not there. I did not die.

2. One day my memories will no longer be there, not as many and not as crisp and clear as they are today. I will forget her antique furniture. The sound of her voice. The sizzle of her skillet on the stovetop. The old settee, the brown walls, and the sticky cupboard handles will all vanish. One day my memory will catch up and I will remember first the way the house looks now, in its shades of blue and white and gray. The quiet of it. The silence when I first walk in. I will remember second the way it used to look.

3. I went to my grandparents house and I searched all over for the coin dish. I searched the new dresser, the new drawers, the repainted bookshelf- nothing.  My mom came over and I asked her if I'd given it away, if my uncle had it, if I'd boxed it up. She walked into the living room, opened the china hutch, and there it was- beneath a notecard holding its new contents in its new place.

I took it back home with me.

The Reflection of Shadows: If

The Reflection of Shadows

A collection of moments

Society6

If

If I tell you the truth, will you let it all loose,

Will you shout to the heavens that I am a fool?

If I try to speak up, to release all my wrongs,

Will you run from forgiveness, away from my arms?

If I ask for your hand, while I reach where you stand,

Will you pull it back leaving me longing again?

If I trust you with this, will our silence persist,

Will we both find the courage to amend what was missed?

Will my memories of us blow away in the wind?

Do we have what it takes to begin once again?

Monday Mantra: Reset

A mantra is a sound, syllable, word, or group of words that is considered capable of "creating transformation".

Every Monday I will post a new thought, idea, or focus for the week. When you need a breather from life, when you need a little inspiration, or when you're about to jump over the conference table and strangle your co-worker, remember the mantra.

Monday Mantra: Begin again

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A couple of weeks ago I was at The Fiance's work Christmas party where I pulled a classic Awkward Melia Moment. I was in the restroom, at the sink, when I heard the voice of someone I knew in one of the stalls talking to another woman at the sink near me. Not wanting to insert myself in their conversation, I continued on drying my hands. As I was turning to leave, I heard the stall open and made eye contact with the woman I knew.

This is the moment when normal people would have said "Hello" or "Hey" or any other perfectly acceptable thing like that. Apparently, I like to take things directly past normal and straight to awkward and uncomfortable, because I did neither of those things.

In those few tiny seconds of eye contact a bunch of thoughts ran through my head. Should I say hello, again, even though I just saw her outside and said hello then? That seemed redundant. I needed something new. Should I high five her? Hug her? Go in for a fist bump, perhaps? No, she was on her way to wash her hands and physical contact at that moment wouldn't help anything. The classic Grocery Store Duck and Run move popped into my head too. You know what I'm talking about. Those times you've spotted someone you know far down an aisle and you have to decide if you A) Wait for them to spot you back, like some creepy stalker or B) Yell all the way down the aisle disrupting everyone else or finally (and, let's be honest people- usually) C) get the heck out of there as silently and speedily as you can without being spotted. It was too late for that. She clearly saw me seeing her.

Instead of any of those far better things, I did this: I looked at her, smiled, did a double finger gun point, and said "Bathroom Tiiiiime."

Then, because I couldn't even stand myself at that point, I turned quickly around and quietly chastised myself all the way back to the table. When I told The Fiance what had just gone down he bursted into laughter.

All of this had led to the focus of this post: Resetting.

There are many things in life we want to re-do. Moments, actions, words we'd like to take back and do again. Since we can't, since those time machines I prayed for the last time I did something stupid still haven't been built, the only thing we can do is let go, move on, and reset.

Resetting. That's what I'm focusing on for 2016. I'm looking at all the places in my life that could use a little fine tuning, a little balancing, a little resetting.

I hope, as you look forward to the new year and all the things you want to do/change/reset, you look at those things with an open mind and kindness in your heart for yourself, for no change - no matter how large or small - is easy. I hope you find it within yourself to try - to start - and to re-start as many times as it takes to reach your goals. I hope you reach those goals.

This will be my last post for 2015 and maybe even a little longer if I'm feeling particularly lazy. We'll see, maybe I'll focus on resetting that. You all enjoy this special time with your friends and family, and I'll catch back up with you soon! Merry Whatever You Celebrate and Happy New Year!