Monday Mantra: A Safe Place

A mantra is a sound, syllable, word, or group of words that is considered capable of "creating transformation".

Every Monday I will post a new thought, idea, or focus for the week. When you need a breather from life, when you need a little inspiration, or when you're about to jump over the conference table and strangle your co-worker, remember the mantra.

Monday Mantra: If each person creates a safe place for the ones we love, eventually everyone will be safe

My husband was on a recent work trip when the CIO of the company he was visiting invited him out for dinner. During their evening, the conversation turned to their families and a very interesting thing happened.

My husband mentioned how he's learned things from me that he lacked awareness on prior; that he's started to see things through my eyes, a woman's eyes. For instance, as a man he doesn't worry about walking down a street at night, or how having kids could impact his career. He proceeds forward, regardless of the time of day or stage in his life.

The CIO listened intently, nodded, and agreed. He said it's true, men typically don't think about those things. Men just walk, they just exist, they take up space on the sidewalks and don't think twice about the person next to them. They don't have to consider things women have to consider.

The CIO then told my husband the following, along with the best piece of wisdom he'd acquired over the years:

As white men, they've been privileged. Regardless of political beliefs or anything else, they've had it simple, period. The world was made for them to succeed. They never had to fight for the right to vote, they never had to fight for an education, they never had to fight for equal pay. All wheels put in motion have been to their benefit.

He went on to explain that the lesson he's learned from his marriage is that the home you share with your wife needs to be a safe place. A place where she can be herself at all times; unguarded, safe to speak freely, where she is 100% supported regardless of topic. He went on to explain that because women always have to fight in a way men don't, because they have to be careful in ways men don't, and because they have to be guarded in ways men don't, they need a place to just be. And home should be that place.

He also explained that this doesn't necessarily mean that he and his wife don't disagree about things from time to time but that, at the end of every single day, he's got her back. For instance, if she's frustrated about something, he's frustrated with her. If she doesn't like someone, heck no he doesn't like them either! He's her #1 supporter. And, if she later changes her mind about the person she doesn't like, cool, he'll swap right back, too. Their home is the one place in the world where she doesn't have to fight for her opinions to be heard, for her concerns to be heeded, for her needs to be met.

Home is her safe place and it's his job to make sure it stays that way. It's his job to help the rest of the world become a safe place, too.

This seems obvious when you think about it, but at the same time I, personally, have never heard it put quite this way. I've never heard it explained so clearly and so lovingly. It hit home, both literally and figuratively, for me and my husband.

For instance, I'm always joking with my husband about being Ride or Die with any number of things. Mostly I'm kidding, but every once in a while I'm serious and I want us to be on the same page, the same team.

During the conversation with the CIO my husband told him about my Ride or Die thoughts and how sometimes he struggles being "ride or die" because we think differently. He used an example about hiring someone to do work on our house. I didn't particularly like the person and want to use them again, while he thought they were fine and didn't see an issue hiring them back. The CIO told him to always back me up. If I didn't like the person we hired, they're out, because our home is sacred and anyone who enters should be someone that adds value to my life, not detracts, no matter how little. If I came around later and changed my mind, no big deal. Ride or Die all the way, he said. That's how you create an unconditional safe place.

Since then, my husband has been ride or dying everything. You know what? It has made my life, our home, our relationship even more of a safe place than it was before.

Imagine if each of us created a safe place for the people we love. One day the whole world would be safe.
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A special shout-out to the CIO who's making the world better in his home and at his company. You, sir, are exceptional. We need more folks like you, especially those in leadership roles. 

And a shout-out to my husband, who's always willing to listen and learn and be the best husband, the best person, he can be.