Friday, January 29, 2016

The Reflection of Shadows: I Have Never Suffered

The Reflection of Shadows
A collection of moments
Society6

I Have Never Suffered

I thought my pain was endless-
That I was empty, hollow,
Destined to suffer.
Until last night,
Until I realized
I’ve never
Never
Never suffered like you.

My shadow filled days will never compare to your pitch-black nights
And days
And weeks
And months
That never ended,
That lasted for years,
That were still, quiet, frozen-
That you couldn’t escape.

How you only had one thing to look forward to
Every. Single. Day.
One moment.
And when it was time to say goodbye
The Nothing returned.
The emptiness of a heart still beating,
A brain still thinking,
But a body unmoving.
Trapped in your own existence,
Never to hold your daughter again,
Never to kiss your wife.
Alone in a way no one could feel but you.

I will never truly understand.

I thought my pain was endless-
That I was empty, hollow,
Destined to suffer.
Until last night,
Until I realized
I’ve never
Never
Never suffered like you.

My empty heart will never compare to your broken, shattered soul.
To a dream that ended before it began.
To a life unimagined.
To a love so rare and true that no one
No one
Will ever fill that void,
Or ever make you whole.

I never understood how alone you really were.
And still are.
And may always be.
How you sacrificed it all without question,
Without regret,
And how somehow you feel guilty for something you couldn’t control.
Something you didn’t ask for,
Something you bravely never walked away from.
And freely sacrificed everything
Everything
That a normal life would resemble.
For us.
For him.
And now, for her.

I will never truly understand.

I thought my pain was endless-
That I was empty, hollow,
Destined to suffer.
Until last night,
Until I realized
I’ve never
Never
Never suffered like you.

My emotional numbness will never compare to your heart breaking aloneness.
To losing yourself to age.
And time.
And feeling like a burden to others.
When you can no longer see well,
Or hear well,
And can barely get around your own house.
And how you stay- I know this, you stay
For me.
Because I am selfish and can’t let you go.

I will never truly understand.
  
I thought my pain was endless-
That I was empty, hollow,
Destined to suffer.
Until last night,
Until I realized
I’ve never
Never
Never suffered like you.

I will never know the stillness of a man immobilized by his own body,
Unable to decide for himself.
Unable to take care of his family.
Unable to do anything-
Anything
But blink.

I will never know the emptiness of a woman who lost everything she had ever wanted.
Who sacrificed it all.
And who waited patiently
For years,
Until hope ran out and she was truly alone
Because there was only one person for her.
And I know that nothing,
Not even time,
Will heal her heart.

I will never know the aloneness of a woman who’s lived for nearly a century.
Who’s seen her best friend and lifelong companion pass on,
Who has aged so gracefully
And been so independent
Until now,
When time has started to set in
And slowed her,
Changed her,
Made her begin to fade away.

I will never truly understand these things. I have felt but a fraction of what they have lived. I have seen nothing.

And they may never truly know how exceptional they really are. 
How amazing.
And strong.
And brave beyond measure.
And how wonderful they've been.
How so few would do what they have done.
How most would have given up.
How practically no one would have been so selfless,
So kind,
So loving.
To stay,
To try,
To do it all
For me.



Monday, January 25, 2016

Monda Mantra: Life

mantra is a sound, syllable, word, or group of words that is considered capable of "creating transformation".

Every Monday I will post a new thought, idea, or focus for the week. When you need a breather from life, when you need a little inspiration, or when you're about to jump over the conference table and strangle your co-worker, remember the mantra.


Monday Mantra: That's life
Society6
Cat Coquillette
Human beings fascinate me. The things we do, why we do them, why we don't, why we're crazy, why we're sane, why we lie or cheat or murder or love- this stuff never bores me. It annoys me, it infuriates me, it uplifts me. It makes me question a lot of things. It gives me hope and simultaneously crushes it, but it never get boring.

Lately, there have been so many Weird Human Encounters that I have to walk around telling myself, "This is normal, don't freak out, this is just life." Let's take, for instance, my upcoming wedding. It is shocking how invested people get in a wedding that isn't theirs, and I don't mean in a good, loving way. I mean in a Strangers Inviting Themselves To Your Wedding & Not Kidding About It way. On one hand, it's very flattering that they're fond of us and want to be a part of our special day, but on the other hand WHOA! I assumed all adult, grown-up people knew better than to do things like this, but it turns out I was wrong. Silly me!

Or let's take for instance when people steal or "borrow" or copy your ideas. Now, it's a big world out there and a lot of things are going to be similar, they just are. And yes, it can be flattering when this happens. However, when it is exactly (or pretty darn close to exactly) what you are doing/creating/whatever-ing then it's not so much flattering and far more irritating. Even when it's with their best intentions. Not to mention how limiting it is to them. Instead of uncovering their own creative side and figuring out their own way, they've chosen to imitate rather than grow.

I've also been hearing a lot of the "bitch" excuses lately. You know, when someone says something completely rude or mean and then they follow it up with a "I'm such a bitch, hahahaha" lame-o explanation for why they're the way they are, like that's an acceptable reason. IT IS NOT. Don't get me wrong, I know people that use this in jest and they're some of the biggest hearted folks on the planet, but I know other people who use this as a bandaid attempt to mask who they really are, which is someone who is either deeply hurting and doesn't know how to handle life or, frankly, someone who is a terrible person. Neither one of these count as excuses, by the way. You have a responsibility to be a decent human being to not just yourself, but anyone you encounter. It is your job to manage yourself, your thoughts, your words. No one - seriously - no one is buying your "bitch" act. They're on to you. Grow up.

Whew, went off on a little tangent there. My bad.

See? Life is a lot of things, but boring is not one of them.

C'est la vie!


Friday, January 22, 2016

The Reflection of Shadows: How You Show Me

The Reflection of Shadows
A collection of moments
Society6

How You Show Me

If you showed me happiness,
If you showed me joy,
These are the tools that
I would employ.

If you shook my confidence,
Took my self respect,
These are the things that
Would stay in my head.

If you show me bigotry,
You show me hate,
This is what
I will duplicate.

It’s the way that you teach me,
The way that you show,
That builds the foundation
For the seeds that I’ll sow.

It’s the way that you speak to me,
The love that you grow
That leads me to better things
Or drags me below.