Monday, June 15, 2015

Monday Mantra: When We Care Too Much

mantra is a sound, syllable, word, or group of words that is considered capable of "creating transformation".

Every Monday I will post a new thought, idea, or focus for the week. When you need a breather from life, when you need a little inspiration, or when you're about to jump over the conference table and strangle your co-worker, remember the mantra.

Monday Mantra: "The hardest thing in this world is to live in it." - Buffy Summers
Sometimes I get frustrated with myself because I'm not as tough or smart or bad-ass as I want to be. I get mad at myself because I think I should be better at, well, life. I hate the moments when I fall short of being the person I want to be. The moments when I'm not calm and collected in a tough situation, when I forget to look past the bad to the good, when I am ultimately oh-so human.

Even though I know I'm not perfect (and never will be) I still expect myself to be...better. Better than I am. I expect myself to never fall short in kindness or patience or love, yet I do. I expect of myself things that are impossible, in many ways. I want to remember every lesson I learned in my years of education and employ those skills when things get rough, yet hindsight is still the best teacher I have. I want to help create a world where we all win, where we all root for each other, yet sometimes I still catch myself being judgmental or comparing myself to others. This in particular, I've learned, comes from moments when my own self-confidence is faltering.

I hate that I have a past that isn't perfect and spotless and void of mistakes. I question what value I add to the world with things even as small and simple as this post. Sometimes, like today, I feel like giving up writing altogether because how can I, someone who is so very human and full of her own faults, write about anything at all worth reading? How can caring this much do any good when caring this much can be painful? I suppose I could attempt to not care at all, but that would be worse- that would be a lie.

What I've found in all of these moments, in all of the hard times of living a life, is that it's better in the long run to be honest about these very things that make me imperfect and flawed. Through being honest and open about my shortcomings I become stronger and better.

It might feel easier, at first, to pretend that everything is fine, everything is perfect, that you don't care- but it's actually the opposite. It's actually quite harder. To protect yourself with a wall of stories that are built on a foundation of forgery is nothing more than living in a self-made prison, fearfully waiting for the inevitable day when the wall will fall down.

Own who you are - all the good and bad and human-ness of you. This is how you live a life of caring too much. This is how you give yourself to the world, knowing it will never break you down because there is nothing to break down. It can take nothing from you because you have taken ownership of yourself.

No one can take from you what you have already given.

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