Monday, October 12, 2015

Monday Mantra: Spilling Thoughts

mantra is a sound, syllable, word, or group of words that is considered capable of "creating transformation".

Every Monday I will post a new thought, idea, or focus for the week. When you need a breather from life, when you need a little inspiration, or when you're about to jump over the conference table and strangle your co-worker, remember the mantra.

Monday Mantra: Spill your thoughts on paper and set them free from your mind


Part 1
I've been thinking about the past. About people I once knew in some way, shape, or form, but no longer do. About how people show themselves to you in the smallest of moments. Moments so minuscule that we usually overlook them, only then seeing the person they carefully, meticulously created. The person they want us to see.

I once worked with a man who was vain. He also had moments within him of kindness and hilariousness and good too, however, this - the vanity - above all else, was the quality that stood out. What I never noticed was something else, something far more important that should have been noticed. Over the course of our working relationship he said many, many things, but the one thing I've never forgotten was this:

One day he came to the office and was telling everyone how he had seen a man in a fancy, expensive car almost get hit by a truck. He laughed as he told this story. He smiled. He thought it would have been great if this man had gotten hit by the truck. How appropriate it would have been if his fancy, expensive car had gotten destroyed just because it was fancy and expensive.

That was it. There was no reason. There was just an anger, a jealousy, a carefully hidden part of himself rising to the surface. Like the way you can tell everything about a person by how they treat a waiter - this moment told me it all.

Our work relationship ended poorly and sometimes I think about repairing it because I'm a fixer. A re-builder. A person who likes to correct wrongs. But this moment, this one tiny moment, reminds me why I won't. Why I shouldn't. Why this bridge once burned should remain forever in ash.

Part 2
I've been thinking about myself. How my introverted nature has been rearing up lately and how that's made me more awkward than normal. How it is so much easier for me to write, to type, to do anything other that speak sometimes. How that must make me appear to people who don't know me or hardly know me, when they can read all this and see how my brain really works, yet when we meet in person I am different. Not on purpose, but because, as an introvert, sometimes being around people is far harder that you can imagine. Which makes me wonder if they think I'm wearing a mask, too. If I am concealing my true self from them.

Part 3
I've been thinking about tangled situations with tangled people and tangled memories. Of times when there was so much chaos in such a small space. Of confusion and anger and love and friendship. And of all things opposite of those. Of how easy it is to get lost in someone else's nightmare. Of how trying to do good things and be a good person can backfire when there is so much bad everywhere else.

I've been thinking of mistakes. Of trying to avoid uncomfortable situations, which only made things worse. Of people who were once weak and damaged and, because of that, caused damage to me. Of how I have bounced back and forth between hating them, understanding them, forgiving them, and being happy for them. Over and over again.

Part 4
I've been thinking about knowledge. How it comes and goes if left unused, untapped. I've been thinking about resources. About Food Deserts. Waste. Stupidity. About how absolutely every opposing argument in the world could be solved with a little more respect, patience, understanding. How the root cause of every problem begins, ends, succeeds, and fails with education.

Part 5
I've been thinking of what this means to me, what this does to me. These thoughts, these feelings. The desire to repair, to rebuild, to re-do. How I hate mistakes and yet don't believe in regrets. I've been thinking about how good it feels to write all this out, tie it all down, bound it in black and white punctuations. To be in the moment, this moment, and let it wash over me and out through my fingers.

I've been thinking about all of this and more.

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