The Reflection of Shadows
A collection of momentsPostSecret book in the mail the other day and I've been flipping through it's pages each night before I go to sleep. There's something about people coming together and sharing their secrets that is exquisite, that draws me in and makes me feel more connected to the world.
There are secrets of love and happiness and hope. Secrets of shame and guilt and fear. And then there are the secrets that get to me the most. The horrible, awful experiences others have endured. The confessions of having been raped, molested, or having such deep thoughts of suicide that you don't even know if the person who wrote the postcard you're reading gave themselves a chance to live another day or not.
Those are the secrets that keep me up at night. That make me question this world that we live in and the terrible things that happen.
I've always wanted to send in my own postcard but the truth is, ever since I started this blog, I no longer have a reason to. I share all of my secrets with you. That is a gift you have given me that I am truly grateful for.
When I first started writing poetry, it always came out very sad. I couldn't have written a happy poem if I wanted to, and I did. I tried repeatedly. But touching on the sad things in life was always easier for me to connect to, whether or not I had experienced them firsthand. However, because they were always so sad I never shared them. I kept them tight and cozy in my notebooks, safe from the question filled world.
This is one of those poems.
I wrote this when I was 14 and I hadn't yet even known anyone who had tried committing suicide. I wrote it one night for no specific purpose other than it felt like it should be written. It felt like something many someone's had pondered at one time or another in their life.
|Leave Me Be|
This young woman, who lightly draws a breath,
This young woman should not dream of death.
She should not be in fear, she should not fear in love,
She should not be in love with someone she can’t trust.
She should not hurt her friends, her friends should not hurt her.
She should never question her existence on this earth.
Her life is just confusion, just a visionary blur,
And with the consequences, it seems the less she learns.
She fights with everybody, the fights last so long,
She wants to keep repeating “You’ll be sorry when I’m gone.”
She knows she has a good life, with all that she’s done wrong,
But deep inside she has a fear that life won't last so long.
She wants to succeed, to make something of herself,
She doesn’t know where to turn or what choices she has left.
She worries about the world- the future, the past,
She worries that she’ll never find a love that really lasts.
She worries about money and whether she’ll survive,
Then she wonders, does it matter, will she be alive?
She knows she has so much love inside of her to share
But then she questions, does it matter, does anybody care?
She cries alone at night, she prays to find the way,
Every morning when she wakes nothing yet has changed.
This young woman, who knows not what is left,
In her life, this young woman should not dream of death.
If you struggle with depression or thoughts of suicide, please use this PostSecret resource list to get help. You don't have to be alone in your fight. There are people all over the world that you haven't even met yet that care about you. I know this because I'm one of them.