Thursday, November 10, 2011

I See Silver

"When you have come to the edge of all the light you know, and are about to step off into the darkness of the unknown, faith is knowing one of two things will happen: There will either be something solid to stand on or you will be taught how to fly." - Anonymous
If you want to be given everything, give everything up.
Tao Te Ching
This is how I feel right now except instead of stepping off into the unknown I am going to be pushed. It's not like I didn't know this was a possibility. It has been for a while. It's just that I've come to terms with it. The "it" which I'm referencing is being laid off. I work for a company that is making some changes in terms of people numbers and a lot of people are going to get laid off. It's no secret, it's just a secret to those of us who work there as to what happens to who and when exactly.

As I was driving to work the other day, pondering life, I saw the most beautiful sunrise. Looking at the clouds in the early morning light I knew that everything - everything - was going to be alright. It was in the way the sun shined on and sparkled through the clouds. It was like hope come to life in a picture in the sky. I know I should feel panicked. After all, I've only worked there since I was 17 and devoted my entire working career to this place. However, this possibility has lurked in the background for a while, giving me the chance to really think this through. To calm myself and any worries and to see the silver lining to this whole situation.

So instead of freaking out I've imagined this being a good thing, much like I did prior to sky diving. Before the big jump I pictured myself stepping off into the unknown, taking a deep breath, and being calm, happy, and at peace with the nothing below my feet. When the day finally arrived to jump, instead of a feeling of terror rising up, I It was liberating even. That is how I'm picturing this.

Nothing may even happen. Some strange twist of fate could place me somewhere completely different but my gut tells me otherwise. Whether it be sooner or later, I believe my time is up because it's meant to be. I've decided that this is a chance to see what else is out there. Not that I don't enjoy my work or haven't over the years but when you get right down to it, and the basics of the whole place, we're like two pieces of a different puzzle. I need art and life and creativity. The closest I have to that now is the ability to make PowerPoints and SharePoint sites and even then I have limitations as to what they can look like.

As strange and stupid as this may sound, I am more afraid of it not happening than of it happening at all. I don't want to miss an opportunity to be different. To try something new. To let go of the thing that in many ways holds me back from being me.

I think we hold on to certain things or ideas of what our life is supposed to look like in an attempt to balance ourselves. We fear that if we let go we will lose the delicate hold we have on our realities. We don't realize that the things we're holding on to may instead be an anchor, dragging us down, pulling us away from changes that might serve us better. I don't want to hold on to an anchor anymore.

I've been very seriously going over this in my head and have decided that if I'm set free, not only am I meant to be let go, but this is a step that I need to continue on my path. Because really, when it comes right down to it, I'm stubborn and I hate giving up so sometimes a push is exactly what I need.

So what is the silver lining that I see coming from all of this? I can write more. Every day even, without losing sleep or trying to fit it in my busy schedule. I can always go work on Royal Caribbean as a Cupcake Supervisor. This is an actual job and I am very seriously thinking of applying. I've managed all kinds of things - people, reports, confidential items - I can certainly handle cupcakes and travel all around the world at the same time.

Then there's school of course, me and my eternal addiction to learning! I already signed up to re-audit the nutrition classes next year (see what's changed, see what's new) so maybe I could get certified in a few other things. Or become an architect, learn French, take piano lessons again, for the third time. And maybe, just maybe, I'll find my dream job.

I know I'm not the only one going through this. I know everyone is uncertain of the future in these times. It's hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel when you are in the midst of the overwhelming darkness. I believe that everything happens for a reason, even if you don't know what the reason is right away. I believe that if you're patient enough to wait and find out, if you're open and aware to the opportunities that present themselves, eventually the "why" of it all will come to the surface and everything will make sense.

To everyone who is in this same boat with me, please pause before you panic. The waves may be choppy and the shore may be far off in the distance, but it's there. Land exists and you will find it when and how you're supposed to.

Remember that you are strong and capable. Endless opportunities are waiting out there. While they might not be what you expected, they still exist and they might just have something to teach you. They might just be exactly what you need, without even knowing it. Above all else, you have friends and family members that care about you. You are not alone in this. You will find your silver lining.

"I will love the light for it shows me the way, yet I will endure the darkness for it shows me the stars."
- Og Mandino

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